And I spend it alone.
Six months ago I was able to rejoice and take pleasure in my privilege and liberty as a healthy single guy. After all, I have so much for which to be thankful.
Then I met an unexpected man who quite literally captured my heart. He didn’t realise he was doing that and he certainly didn’t mean to, but it happened anyway – as is the way of these things.
When something doesn’t go the way of your hopes, something useful that can be done is to try to learn. So, from this, what have I learned?
I’ve learned that I really do want a permanent relationship with one person (that, in itself, will scare most gay men’s pants on). I’ve learned that I can love without reservation. I’ve learned that love comes from directions towards which you aren’t always looking. I’ve learned that being myself is still yet my toughest challenge (a 180km cycle race is nothing compared to that) but that even when faced with rejection it’s really all I can ever do.
This feeling of endless empty sadness is what you risk when you surrender to love. It’s only logical then that to feel what I do now is a function of my capacity to love, and thus, I need to be thankful for it.
Love grew in my heart. I am grateful for that. I am proud of it.
And sad. So I should be.
(thanks Gavin for the photo)