It’s true that I seem to have once again turned my life upside down. Each time this happens it gets a bit more tough for me. It’s almost exactly a year since Paul and I split up and I feel that it is only now that I’m starting to get back on my feet again. The end of that relationship really did cause me to look very closely at myself and what it is that causes me to first put so much into building a meaningful relationship, only to find myself throwing it all away. Each time I’ve caused a lot of pain, not just for myself, but for those tangled up with me.
I feel a lot of regret about this. I know feelings like guilt and regret are ultimately not helpful. I know they paralyse a person. I simply came to a point where I didn’t trust myself any longer. I think I am self-critical and perhaps often a little to hard on myself. I want to move forward from this in a constructive and positive way. I want to feel that I can have relationships with people that are life-giving for all people concerned and where I am not constantly trying to second-guess myself to be sure my motives are the right ones.
Well, in order to aid this process I decided to live alone. To face myself and to avoid distracting myself with the needs of other people. Initially, when I was still living in Christchurch and working at Cashmere High School and still teaching aerobics most days, I found it very difficult to be by myself. I seemed, with all the introspection to just sink further and further into my own self-doubt and an overriding feeling of disappointment in how things had turned out. It was a tough year last year.
At the end of the year I made the decision to move to Wanaka. A place of my heart. I was successful in my application for a job at Mount Aspiring College. My lease expired in my one person place in Sumner and I shifted myself and my belongings to Wanaka. If you look in my galleries, you’ll see a couple of photos of the new place I have here (which is perfect for me). Naturally, a summer in Wanaka is enough to revive anyone’s flagging spirits. Combining that with the liberty I experienced after giving up the work as an instructor at Les Mills meant that I really did begin to feel better. By the time school started in February this year, I really felt I was making some significant steps towards coming back to life.
Moving to Wanaka has been a very good thing for me. In future entries into this journal you’ll get to hear about what an excellent little community this is and how much it suits me and my priorities in life. But there is still a sadness for me. I really miss the family I left behind in Christchurch. I still believe it is right that Paul and I are no longer together, and I value tremendously the effort he is making for us to have an on-going friendship, but I just feel a loss of the daily interaction with his kids Lukas and Sofia. It’s the reality of things for me. The reality of the choices I’ve made.
I’ve got a lot more to say, but I’ll leave this here for now.